There are many times in my life when I am too caught up in the tangible and so unaware of the "other" reality. The invisible. Spiritual forces at work. GOD. The last several weeks the opposite has been true. I can sense that the hand of the Lord, His mercy and favor has permeated every area of my reality. I can't descibe it. Words aren't quite enough to explain His enveloping presence, invisble, yet REAL, in every detail. No, things aren't perfect, in fact some things are down right hard. Its not about a rose colored lense. Its about consuming consciencness of the Lord's presence. I am so thankful to Him.
Its all been quite a whirlwind. Mom was released to come home on Tues. June 28. I spent most of that day at the airport trying to get my hands on a ticket. It turns out that Portland must be a popular summer destination. There literally were no seats left to be had at a reasonable price on any airline to Portland. Anywhere else you'de like to go in the world, no problem. Portland, "I'm sorry, we are booked solid". But the Lord most certainly knew I longed to go and backed my longing. I did finally get a seat I could afford! On both flights going I had DJ on my lap and there was not one single unoccupied seat in the entire plane. It was interesting, to say the least. And got a little bit hairy when she started her piercing scream. I was so thankful to be sitting next to gracious, kind people, and will never again so judge that other person with the screaming child on my flight. Sometimes there really truly is just nothing a body can do about it.
My week with Mom was a gift from God. One that I will forever treasure in my memory. It was a blessing for everyone involved.
Mom is "past the worst" yet still with a very long road ahead. A tough spot to occupy in this "hurry up" world that we live in. She continues to deal with extreme exhaustion, dizziness and nausia at times. There is little she can do to hurry this recovery as much as she would love to. So we mostly spent the week, trying to help make the waiting a little more enjoyable and less tedious. A worthy task, and also some much needed rest for my own soul. Ahhhhhhh.
I cannot mention Mom's recovery without expressing gratitude for one very special person. Bob. Bob, I want to publically thank and honor you for sticking by Mom's side and offering her the care she needs night and day. I am so thankful that God brought you into her/our lives.
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Wrapping it up
I had an entire list of ideas that popped into my head in relation to Feeding Tube Awareness Week. But life has rolled on and I just wasn't able to make time to post any more of it last week. As I wrap this up in my mind, I was trying to decipher, just what is the important part in it all. Honestly. I am not sure I really know. It just kinda seems to depend on the day.
I jotted down a phrase at one point, "Ask, but don't Judge. Look, but don't Stare... & Please Don't Touch."
I have been asked countless times, "Wouldn't she eat if you just stopped giving her tube feedings?" Depending on who it comes from and the tone of their voice it can be anywhere from a sincere question born from a desire to understand, to the most hurtful insult I have ever heard. But just so you know, the answer is no. Unfortunatly it doesn't work that way. And I COULD write a book on all the whys and wherefores, but I won't. (at least, not for now)
A while back in the swimming pool dressing room a little girl said a little too loudly, "Mommy, what is THAT?" She was pointing at Mic's tubie. The Mom in question glanced up and just as quickly adjusted her gaze awkwardly to the floor, looking like she wished it would swallow her whole. "I don't know" she whispered in her daughter's ear. I smiled at the wide eyed child and gently told her that it is a little tube that helps Mic eat, assuring her that it doesn't hurt, as she looked a little worried. Its awkward. All around awkward. I suppose the mom might not want to ask what it is because she has no idea how sensitive I am about it? I don't like the idea of leaving the other child (or parent) hanging with the question. But it can be difficult to answer if you don't ask. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of overly invasive questioning either, especially if I get the idea that you are passing judgment, rather than sincerely interested. And I Hate that so often Mic gets talked "about" instead of "to". But we all get stretched a little through it and simply do the best we can, I suppose.
Then there are other children. The kind whose simple, honest curiosity is more than they can bear, and as is so typical of kids, its like if they can't touch it, they aren't going to be able to process it. Thats tricky. I don't know if your hands are clean, and in the end this IS a meal. "No, please don't pull on that, it needs to stay right where it is", yes, I have actually had to say that with a sense of urgency more than once. Then there was the time a curious child had to get so close that he accidently spilled the food...on the church carpet!!! Argh! And we were already low on calories that day.
All this leads to one other thought, and for now, I close with this. We are all on a journey in life. An exhilerating, terrifying, surprising journey, full of all sorts of twists, turns and unknowns. Every unexpected challenge is an opportunity to grow. And this tubie truly has grown us in many ways. It has allowed my child to grow healthy and strong physically when things might very well have been completly the contrary. I often catch my breath in wonder as she jumps off a step, runs accross the patio or dances to her favorite song. I'll never take it for granted. I can't just forget that the "experts" said, "she might not...".
But we are also growing in character. My dear fifth grade teacher told me often, "You can let it make you bitter or better, you have to choose!" And isn't that the truth in all challenges. There have been moments that I have struggled with a sort of bitterness. I periodically wrestle with the "what might have beens" and "why us". But in the end, I choose Better. More patience. More knowledge. More character. More strength. Becasue this is not the last nor the biggest of the curve balls life will throw us. I know that. And with the help of my Lord, I'll contine to choose, "Better". Your kiddo may or may not have a tubie, but I know you have enormous, gigantic challenges of your own, perhaps far far bigger than a silly little tubie. Hang in there, dear friend! Let go of bitter and ask HIM to help you choose "BETTER"...you won't be sorry!
I jotted down a phrase at one point, "Ask, but don't Judge. Look, but don't Stare... & Please Don't Touch."
I have been asked countless times, "Wouldn't she eat if you just stopped giving her tube feedings?" Depending on who it comes from and the tone of their voice it can be anywhere from a sincere question born from a desire to understand, to the most hurtful insult I have ever heard. But just so you know, the answer is no. Unfortunatly it doesn't work that way. And I COULD write a book on all the whys and wherefores, but I won't. (at least, not for now)
A while back in the swimming pool dressing room a little girl said a little too loudly, "Mommy, what is THAT?" She was pointing at Mic's tubie. The Mom in question glanced up and just as quickly adjusted her gaze awkwardly to the floor, looking like she wished it would swallow her whole. "I don't know" she whispered in her daughter's ear. I smiled at the wide eyed child and gently told her that it is a little tube that helps Mic eat, assuring her that it doesn't hurt, as she looked a little worried. Its awkward. All around awkward. I suppose the mom might not want to ask what it is because she has no idea how sensitive I am about it? I don't like the idea of leaving the other child (or parent) hanging with the question. But it can be difficult to answer if you don't ask. On the other hand, I don't like the idea of overly invasive questioning either, especially if I get the idea that you are passing judgment, rather than sincerely interested. And I Hate that so often Mic gets talked "about" instead of "to". But we all get stretched a little through it and simply do the best we can, I suppose.
Then there are other children. The kind whose simple, honest curiosity is more than they can bear, and as is so typical of kids, its like if they can't touch it, they aren't going to be able to process it. Thats tricky. I don't know if your hands are clean, and in the end this IS a meal. "No, please don't pull on that, it needs to stay right where it is", yes, I have actually had to say that with a sense of urgency more than once. Then there was the time a curious child had to get so close that he accidently spilled the food...on the church carpet!!! Argh! And we were already low on calories that day.
All this leads to one other thought, and for now, I close with this. We are all on a journey in life. An exhilerating, terrifying, surprising journey, full of all sorts of twists, turns and unknowns. Every unexpected challenge is an opportunity to grow. And this tubie truly has grown us in many ways. It has allowed my child to grow healthy and strong physically when things might very well have been completly the contrary. I often catch my breath in wonder as she jumps off a step, runs accross the patio or dances to her favorite song. I'll never take it for granted. I can't just forget that the "experts" said, "she might not...".
But we are also growing in character. My dear fifth grade teacher told me often, "You can let it make you bitter or better, you have to choose!" And isn't that the truth in all challenges. There have been moments that I have struggled with a sort of bitterness. I periodically wrestle with the "what might have beens" and "why us". But in the end, I choose Better. More patience. More knowledge. More character. More strength. Becasue this is not the last nor the biggest of the curve balls life will throw us. I know that. And with the help of my Lord, I'll contine to choose, "Better". Your kiddo may or may not have a tubie, but I know you have enormous, gigantic challenges of your own, perhaps far far bigger than a silly little tubie. Hang in there, dear friend! Let go of bitter and ask HIM to help you choose "BETTER"...you won't be sorry!
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Thinking Outloud
I usually process things best by saying them. If I talk long enough eventually I figure out what I really wanted to say. Difficult for the listener, but good for me!
So...there is something that has been spining around in my brain. Its about my eldest daughter and the miracles God has allowed us to see in her life. I love to share testimony of what has happened in her life and how the Lord has healed her in so many ways. But sometimes, I think that in the sharing I don't actually always say exactly what I mean. A classic example is when without missing a beat I end the story by saying, "God has been so good to us".
HE HAS! ...BUT...
What about the dear children who weren't "healed", as we understand healing to be? These precious angles in our world with labels like CP, Downs, Autisim or an endless line of other such diagnosis. And what about the dear little ones that instead of staying here on earth with us, ran into Jesus waiting arms?
I guess what I am saying is that, on that day so long ago, when the doctor said, "be ready for the worst, there's a good chance she won't survive birth". We cried, we hurt and we truly placed her in Jesus hands. And I am so, so, SO thankful that He allowed her to live, that he saw fit to loan her to us for a longer time. That He healed her brain and cromosomes.
But even if He hadn't. Even if He had given her life a different course. God IS GOOD. Not only for what He does and doesn't do, but first and foremost, for WHO HE IS. His goodness, mercy, grace and all other attributes do not hinge on the the blessings I do or do not recieve or percieve in my life. He is Creator, Sustainer, Saviour, All-Powerful Lord. He is GOOD.
So...there is something that has been spining around in my brain. Its about my eldest daughter and the miracles God has allowed us to see in her life. I love to share testimony of what has happened in her life and how the Lord has healed her in so many ways. But sometimes, I think that in the sharing I don't actually always say exactly what I mean. A classic example is when without missing a beat I end the story by saying, "God has been so good to us".
HE HAS! ...BUT...
What about the dear children who weren't "healed", as we understand healing to be? These precious angles in our world with labels like CP, Downs, Autisim or an endless line of other such diagnosis. And what about the dear little ones that instead of staying here on earth with us, ran into Jesus waiting arms?
I guess what I am saying is that, on that day so long ago, when the doctor said, "be ready for the worst, there's a good chance she won't survive birth". We cried, we hurt and we truly placed her in Jesus hands. And I am so, so, SO thankful that He allowed her to live, that he saw fit to loan her to us for a longer time. That He healed her brain and cromosomes.
But even if He hadn't. Even if He had given her life a different course. God IS GOOD. Not only for what He does and doesn't do, but first and foremost, for WHO HE IS. His goodness, mercy, grace and all other attributes do not hinge on the the blessings I do or do not recieve or percieve in my life. He is Creator, Sustainer, Saviour, All-Powerful Lord. He is GOOD.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Deeper...
Sometimes its so easy to not say what I'm really thinking. Good OR Bad,...its just eaiser to not be vulnerable.
Sometimes...eaiser isn´t necesarily best.
Sometimes, I get really good at acting. Acting like I am a "good Christian". Acting like I have a deep relationship with God. ...I might be able to fool you, but GOD knows how much time I've spent in communion with Him when no one is looking and I am all alone.
My relationship with my Lord is REAL. But just REAL isn't good enough. I need to be growing. And to grow I MUST spend consistent, personal time with Him.
Recently I've had to readjust my priorities, stop hiding behind the excuse of being an over busy, under paid, stay at home mom. And simply DO IT. Have a DAILY quiet time, even when there is no peace and quiet in my home and I feel like I don´t have time. And did I mention daily?
So basic. So necessary. ...And I already knew this!
And guess what! It is so rewarding that I wonder how in the world I ever stoped doing it to begin with!
...ever been there?
Well, that´s where I'm at.
I thought I'd go ahead and practice a little vulnerability by sharing my last prayer journal entry with you.
Col. 3:9-10 "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" NIV
~In this text there are two "puttings off". First that life changing act done once and for all at the foot of the cross in the moment of Salvation. A moment so specific it is almost as real as if I took off a dirty, stinky, torn garment and exchanged it for a gloriously clean and comfortable gown. But the one that calls my attention today is this second putting off. The continual renewal of all that I am in Christ. That which must be maintained and ever growing in likeness of my Saviour as my knowledge of Him also grows. My "new self" will only be renewed in one place. NEAR my Lord and His Word.
"Oh, Lord, let not my heart wander far from thee,
but let me stay and near thee be.
Then come what may and in dark hours,
Still your light and truth my soul will shower."
Amen
Sometimes...eaiser isn´t necesarily best.
Sometimes, I get really good at acting. Acting like I am a "good Christian". Acting like I have a deep relationship with God. ...I might be able to fool you, but GOD knows how much time I've spent in communion with Him when no one is looking and I am all alone.
My relationship with my Lord is REAL. But just REAL isn't good enough. I need to be growing. And to grow I MUST spend consistent, personal time with Him.
Recently I've had to readjust my priorities, stop hiding behind the excuse of being an over busy, under paid, stay at home mom. And simply DO IT. Have a DAILY quiet time, even when there is no peace and quiet in my home and I feel like I don´t have time. And did I mention daily?
So basic. So necessary. ...And I already knew this!
And guess what! It is so rewarding that I wonder how in the world I ever stoped doing it to begin with!
...ever been there?
Well, that´s where I'm at.
I thought I'd go ahead and practice a little vulnerability by sharing my last prayer journal entry with you.
Col. 3:9-10 "Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator" NIV
~In this text there are two "puttings off". First that life changing act done once and for all at the foot of the cross in the moment of Salvation. A moment so specific it is almost as real as if I took off a dirty, stinky, torn garment and exchanged it for a gloriously clean and comfortable gown. But the one that calls my attention today is this second putting off. The continual renewal of all that I am in Christ. That which must be maintained and ever growing in likeness of my Saviour as my knowledge of Him also grows. My "new self" will only be renewed in one place. NEAR my Lord and His Word.
"Oh, Lord, let not my heart wander far from thee,
but let me stay and near thee be.
Then come what may and in dark hours,
Still your light and truth my soul will shower."
Amen
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Old year, New year
2009...many exciting things have occured in this year. Early in the year we aquired our first car, passing us from that striking difference between "dependant on public transportation" to not--a real neccesity and help for our growing family and my husbands small business! Of course my mom's wedding and my third child's birth are also events that will go down in the family history and photo albums for 2009.
Yet, often times in retrospect the "unremarkable" is truly the most remarkable part of life. The area of highest impact in my life right now are my children, and when I manage to keep that at the forefront of my mind every task no matter how mundane, routine or unpleasant takes on divine purpose and lasting significance.
October of this year marked one whole year since we took Mic to Intense Feeding Therapy in Washington. We spent some time looking back and reflecting on "where we were" versus "where we are now". It was a surprising and gratifying experience to be able to tangibly measure progress. Days show no progress. Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and somewhere along the way I lose a concious measure of whether Mic is going forward, backward or in circles in her oral feeding progress. My mom's visit and added perspective helped highlight for us just how far Mic has come in this journey. All those weeks and months of tiny and intangible change have finally added up to some real measurable and secure progress. She is not there yet, but she has put in some real milage this year in the right direction. ...Thank you, Heavenly Father...
"ROUTINE" is something that us housewives need and yet try to escape from, our friend and enemy in turn. But this fall and winter as we had a flurry of medical checkups at the children's hospital for followup by Mic's many physicans never was I more happy to be able to declare at the end of each visit that it was "just a routine checkup". No traumas, no surprises, no out-of-the-ordinary concerns! While I try not waste any energy in consciencly worrying about these visits, I did find myself deliciously pleased and relieved to check each visit off of my mental checklist and move on with no further ado. Ahhhhhh, what a nice feeling!
2010. New. We all like new things. Our Creator made us that way and satisfied our need for new even in this detail, giving us a sense of time, a way to mark seasons...months...years... God is good. All the time. Just as 2009 held triumphs and struggles, sorrows and joys, I am sure that 2010 will also have both some unpleasant and pleasant in store for us. But as I enter this new year, I hold on tight to my Saviours' hand and thus so, know that all will be well.
Yet, often times in retrospect the "unremarkable" is truly the most remarkable part of life. The area of highest impact in my life right now are my children, and when I manage to keep that at the forefront of my mind every task no matter how mundane, routine or unpleasant takes on divine purpose and lasting significance.
October of this year marked one whole year since we took Mic to Intense Feeding Therapy in Washington. We spent some time looking back and reflecting on "where we were" versus "where we are now". It was a surprising and gratifying experience to be able to tangibly measure progress. Days show no progress. Days turn to weeks and weeks to months and somewhere along the way I lose a concious measure of whether Mic is going forward, backward or in circles in her oral feeding progress. My mom's visit and added perspective helped highlight for us just how far Mic has come in this journey. All those weeks and months of tiny and intangible change have finally added up to some real measurable and secure progress. She is not there yet, but she has put in some real milage this year in the right direction. ...Thank you, Heavenly Father...
"ROUTINE" is something that us housewives need and yet try to escape from, our friend and enemy in turn. But this fall and winter as we had a flurry of medical checkups at the children's hospital for followup by Mic's many physicans never was I more happy to be able to declare at the end of each visit that it was "just a routine checkup". No traumas, no surprises, no out-of-the-ordinary concerns! While I try not waste any energy in consciencly worrying about these visits, I did find myself deliciously pleased and relieved to check each visit off of my mental checklist and move on with no further ado. Ahhhhhh, what a nice feeling!
2010. New. We all like new things. Our Creator made us that way and satisfied our need for new even in this detail, giving us a sense of time, a way to mark seasons...months...years... God is good. All the time. Just as 2009 held triumphs and struggles, sorrows and joys, I am sure that 2010 will also have both some unpleasant and pleasant in store for us. But as I enter this new year, I hold on tight to my Saviours' hand and thus so, know that all will be well.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Mic Unplugged!
...the last couple of weeks through one circumstance or another I have become aware of various people around me in diverse difficulties. Most of these trials happen to be a direct result of poor personal decisions and/or lack of family structure and support. My heart aches for these people.
However what keeps coming back to me over and over again is an overwhelming and profound sense of gratitude and humility. I am so blessed to have the heritage and family that I have. I would not be who I am today without them. There is no way I can express this new and deeper sense of appreciation and thankfulness for God's unending mercy in my life, for Grandma, who prayed for me every day, for parents who interceded for me many times, for Mom and Bob, who display continued support in so many ways, and for the friendship I enjoy with my sibblings. I am just so blessed and my heart needed to try and express that in words.
To end on a completely different note, I pasted some pictures below. All the children here (except homeschoolers :-p) wear uniforms to school. Someone gave us this hand me down uniform with nice heavy material and tons of wear left in in it. My husband decided to take some "school pictures" of Mic, and Oh! did she ham it up. I decided that there was no way to get the full effect just pasting one or two, so here is the whole series for your viewing pleasure.
And, in case its not obvious, here she is holding onto her "kickboard" while "swimming" : )
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Melted Mind
One of the most frequently asked questions to moms of new babies everywhere must be, "so, how are you adjusting?" The question doesn't bother me in the least, but it does leave me in a bit of a dilemma...how to answer?
"Fine", "I'm tired", "Honkey-dory! I have three children five and under, I change about a dozen diapers a day and clean up at least two puddles...", "If I arrive at adjusted I'll let you know", "Well, my hemorrhoids are finally going away, I think" ;-) ...How much honesty is too much? How elequent ought I to be?
And even worse, while my mind is scrambling for an honest answer with some real depth, my train barrels straight ahead, when it should have taken the curve at 30mph and by the time I get back on track sometimes I can't even remember the question I intended to answer. This gift of multitasking that God placed in the female makeup, is the key to any new mother's survival, and yet even this amazing skill can be shortcircuted by overload. Fortunatly for me I can simultaniously prepare supper, referee my children's quarrel and get the last load of laundry up on the line to dry, and all the while my mind is working on how to better teach my children manners, forming tomorrows to-do list, and conjuring up ideas for the next blog entry. My husband, bless his soul, would have burned supper and left the clothes to mold while untangling the children. Its not his fault, he simply wasn't given the same wiring.
My problem lies in that my mental capacity has a red line similar to the overheated line on a car dash, and anymore I always seem to be just below the red. Suddenly I realize that I have lost the capacity to prioritize! Of the eight things I needed to remember and six things I wanted to accomplish, I did manage to cover the trivial chore of refolding the sloppy clothes in the wardrobe...but forgot to give Mic an entire tube feeding which represents about a fourth of her needed daily calorie intake. This type of thing has happened more times than I care to admit in the last month and a half since little blessing #3 has graced our household with her presence.
So...I am blessed and spread thin and trying to remember...now, just where was I going with all of this!? : )
"Fine", "I'm tired", "Honkey-dory! I have three children five and under, I change about a dozen diapers a day and clean up at least two puddles...", "If I arrive at adjusted I'll let you know", "Well, my hemorrhoids are finally going away, I think" ;-) ...How much honesty is too much? How elequent ought I to be?
And even worse, while my mind is scrambling for an honest answer with some real depth, my train barrels straight ahead, when it should have taken the curve at 30mph and by the time I get back on track sometimes I can't even remember the question I intended to answer. This gift of multitasking that God placed in the female makeup, is the key to any new mother's survival, and yet even this amazing skill can be shortcircuted by overload. Fortunatly for me I can simultaniously prepare supper, referee my children's quarrel and get the last load of laundry up on the line to dry, and all the while my mind is working on how to better teach my children manners, forming tomorrows to-do list, and conjuring up ideas for the next blog entry. My husband, bless his soul, would have burned supper and left the clothes to mold while untangling the children. Its not his fault, he simply wasn't given the same wiring.
My problem lies in that my mental capacity has a red line similar to the overheated line on a car dash, and anymore I always seem to be just below the red. Suddenly I realize that I have lost the capacity to prioritize! Of the eight things I needed to remember and six things I wanted to accomplish, I did manage to cover the trivial chore of refolding the sloppy clothes in the wardrobe...but forgot to give Mic an entire tube feeding which represents about a fourth of her needed daily calorie intake. This type of thing has happened more times than I care to admit in the last month and a half since little blessing #3 has graced our household with her presence.
So...I am blessed and spread thin and trying to remember...now, just where was I going with all of this!? : )
Saturday, September 26, 2009
G*R*A*T*I*T*U*D*E
Ok, so the truth is that I've been a major grouch lately. Things from the important to the down right absurd have been getting on my nerves and eating at me. So much so that the blog entry I wrote in my head the other evening was titled "G*R*O*U*C*H*Y". And I was going to let of all my built up steam in high fashion. The next morning a small, still voice of reason somehow filtered through the jungle in my brain and said, "what if you make a thankful list instead--your no fun to be around when your grouchy, you don't even like being around yourself right now! Why don't you think about something good!"
So with no further ado...
I'm THANKFUL for:
So with no further ado...
I'm THANKFUL for:
- Two days of "better"oral breakfast for Mic. (Before yesterday and today for about a month shes had no more than one or two small bites for breakfast at most. Today she had a very small peach and about 8 bites of cereal!)
- Health!!--Mic hasn't been able to get over a common cold without a major GI crisis and about a week of vommiting in years...and this week she did it! A common normal cold, had and ended as a common normal cold should be, in a few days, almost no calorie cut and with no vomiting!
- Cardboard boxes and mud! Beat this one, toys r us! My kids have spent large amounts of time this week playing with minimal fighting and no boredom and their high tec entertainment has been the refrigerator box turned fort and a mud hole and bucket of water in my back patio! Messy, but worth it.
- A healthy, low-risk pregnancy and only about 5 weeks to go. (yes, I am aware that this BLESSING is also probably a very large contributor to my current state of exhaustion thus lower coping level, which is a nice way to say grouchyness!)
- Safety
- The new women's Bible study group I've been able to be a part of the last three weeks.
- Freedom to educate my children as I believe is best for their current needs.
- Maternity clothes......seriously, have you ever worn anything more comfortable! : )
- Stuborn kids,...OK this is a stretch, honestly the rigid little wills manifesting themselves so prominently around here are driving me batty, but on the bright side they are sound enough in mind and body to reason and have an opinion and state it emphatically.
- Sweet potatoe and pumpkin season!!!!!! YUM!
- A wonderful, loyal, patient, faithful husband who not only puts up with me, but loves me too!
- BMs in the potty. In light of our gross failure thus far at potty training, almost all the BM does make it in the toilet and if I have to choose something to continually clean off of every imaginable surface, I'd rather it be this way than the other...
- A home in a spot that has a good water supply (many in the city center are without) and is on high enough ground that flooding is not a factor (over the last few weeks many homes not far from here have had anywhere from a few inches to 1.8 meters of standing water)
- The best two little cuddlers ever in bed with me this morning, is there possibly any better way to start a new day!?
And I could keep going!!! ...but here comes a fussy, stinky toddler and a day full of responsabilities that I have been shirking all morning... ...catch you later!
Monday, July 13, 2009
Thinking on the Wedding.
The message on Sunday spoke about seeking God in the desert. About living out those times when nothing makes sense, when life is hard. Drawing on what we KNOW and have experienced with God in the past when the soul is feeling nothing and His presence seems so distant. We looked at the life of David and some of his experiences, including his time spent in the literal desert. ...so what does this have to do with my Mom's wedding?
At the end of the church service on Sunday we took time to worship. And as we worshiped God for who He IS despite all that whirls around us, I began to reflect on Mom and Bob, their wedding last night and all that lead up to that event. They are living examples in the here and now of hope and renewal despite tremendous trial and pain. Things like "loss of spouse" and "terminal illness" are things we all hope will never touch our own life. I saw Mom lean HEAVILY on God's grace as she muddled through all the emotions and pain that losing Dad entailed for her, among other things, being alone, a sense of loss of purpose, depresion, sadness and so much more. All the healing that has come little by little as time marches on culminated on Saturday night at her wedding. Six years after we lost Dad, I see my mom, not crippled in bitterness, nor wallowing in self pity, but rather, whole in the Lord, and now, in love, face glowing, laughter spilling. And my soul swells with praise to God who truly does give "beauty for ashes, joy for pain". ...In His own time and way He makes all things well.
At the end of the church service on Sunday we took time to worship. And as we worshiped God for who He IS despite all that whirls around us, I began to reflect on Mom and Bob, their wedding last night and all that lead up to that event. They are living examples in the here and now of hope and renewal despite tremendous trial and pain. Things like "loss of spouse" and "terminal illness" are things we all hope will never touch our own life. I saw Mom lean HEAVILY on God's grace as she muddled through all the emotions and pain that losing Dad entailed for her, among other things, being alone, a sense of loss of purpose, depresion, sadness and so much more. All the healing that has come little by little as time marches on culminated on Saturday night at her wedding. Six years after we lost Dad, I see my mom, not crippled in bitterness, nor wallowing in self pity, but rather, whole in the Lord, and now, in love, face glowing, laughter spilling. And my soul swells with praise to God who truly does give "beauty for ashes, joy for pain". ...In His own time and way He makes all things well.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Imitating
Parenting has a way of giving us unique glimpses of how the Lord must view us at times.
Yesterday morning I got quite a kick out of watching Mic help me give her a tuby meal. There are a lot of "details" about the process which I have not even tried to explain to her becasue she would not comprehend, yet what she does is imitate my movements, sometimes with such uncanny perfection that most details are covered.
The Lord calls us to be imitators of Christ.
I couldn't help but think of how much I lecture my daughter sometimes...and how ineffective it is. We are wired to imitate and learn well by watching and copying.
We cannot imitate that which we are not watching.
The Bible tells us to "fix our eyes on the author and finisher of our faith.
Mic just gave me another clear, hands on example of how important it is that I pay attention to what I am focusing on as I go about my day to day. So I ask myself and you, dear friend, where are our eyes fixed today?
(Referneces: Eph. 5:1-2, Heb. 12:2-3)
Yesterday morning I got quite a kick out of watching Mic help me give her a tuby meal. There are a lot of "details" about the process which I have not even tried to explain to her becasue she would not comprehend, yet what she does is imitate my movements, sometimes with such uncanny perfection that most details are covered.
The Lord calls us to be imitators of Christ.
I couldn't help but think of how much I lecture my daughter sometimes...and how ineffective it is. We are wired to imitate and learn well by watching and copying.
We cannot imitate that which we are not watching.
The Bible tells us to "fix our eyes on the author and finisher of our faith.
Mic just gave me another clear, hands on example of how important it is that I pay attention to what I am focusing on as I go about my day to day. So I ask myself and you, dear friend, where are our eyes fixed today?
(Referneces: Eph. 5:1-2, Heb. 12:2-3)
Monday, May 18, 2009
...In case your curious...
Well I hoped for a much higher comment number on my playground post...but Oh well, I really enjoyed reading the comments that I did get.
So, just in case your wondering about what I did, I informed the child kindly but firmly that, "Of course she can come up too!" Mic was having one of those "I don't do stairs alone" days, so I proceeded to go up with her and then worked on introductions, small talk and making friends.
...it was very interesting. The child made friends and even actively included Mic in some play for awhile, but then I had to pull Mic from the play for a minute to give her a tube feeding. When we returned it was as though that time of play had never existed and the child was right back to where she started. At that point we moved to a different area of the playground.
...It made me feel sad and angry as I analyzed the other little girls actions. From what I was able to observe, I believe she was acting out a rejection that she is recieving on a daily basis in her home. ...very heartwretching.
...And after reading your comments I also found it very interesting to analyze my own internal reactions in the moment. You see, I wasn't a very "socially apt" child, myself, and really hope my children can have an easier time. I also have fears about Mic and her physical "defects" and find myself subconciously trying to protect her from rejections that she may have to deal with because of how she looks and eats. I don't have any profound conclusions at this point,...I just know that a lot of what we feel and do in "react" moments are affected by things we have hidden within--often things we ourselves are not even very aware of. And I know it was good for me to become a little more aware of some of those things in me so that I can seek the Lord's help in these areas and be more purposeful in my actions next time...
And...thats what happened!...just in case you were curious...
So, just in case your wondering about what I did, I informed the child kindly but firmly that, "Of course she can come up too!" Mic was having one of those "I don't do stairs alone" days, so I proceeded to go up with her and then worked on introductions, small talk and making friends.
...it was very interesting. The child made friends and even actively included Mic in some play for awhile, but then I had to pull Mic from the play for a minute to give her a tube feeding. When we returned it was as though that time of play had never existed and the child was right back to where she started. At that point we moved to a different area of the playground.
...It made me feel sad and angry as I analyzed the other little girls actions. From what I was able to observe, I believe she was acting out a rejection that she is recieving on a daily basis in her home. ...very heartwretching.
...And after reading your comments I also found it very interesting to analyze my own internal reactions in the moment. You see, I wasn't a very "socially apt" child, myself, and really hope my children can have an easier time. I also have fears about Mic and her physical "defects" and find myself subconciously trying to protect her from rejections that she may have to deal with because of how she looks and eats. I don't have any profound conclusions at this point,...I just know that a lot of what we feel and do in "react" moments are affected by things we have hidden within--often things we ourselves are not even very aware of. And I know it was good for me to become a little more aware of some of those things in me so that I can seek the Lord's help in these areas and be more purposeful in my actions next time...
And...thats what happened!...just in case you were curious...
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Life is Precious
I am a part of an online support group for moms who feed their children real food through the g-tube.
...its odd...how close I have become with this group of women. We have never meet one another in person. We are spread out literally all over the world. But we have a common battle to fight, and it seems that is all it takes for us to develop a deep "virtual" but very real friendship. We share humor, joys, despairs, fights and victories with the doctors, medical supplies...in fact, my blender was a gift from a member of the group.
Yesterday a sweet sweet little girl, whose mommy is a part of this circle of friends, quite suddenly and unexpectedly, went home to Jesus.
I am so sad.
Of course I know that sweet little Jordan is whole now, she has no more limitations. ...But it still hurts.
And most of all, I am reminded once again of just how precious life is. Its, Oh, so easy to take it for granted. To count on tomorrow. To forget that we have no promise of the future. To put off our children in order to attend to the temporal and urgent again and again. ...So my little soap box directed to myself and the rest of the world for today is this, "Take time for those that you love! The moments we are living right now are what count!"
...its odd...how close I have become with this group of women. We have never meet one another in person. We are spread out literally all over the world. But we have a common battle to fight, and it seems that is all it takes for us to develop a deep "virtual" but very real friendship. We share humor, joys, despairs, fights and victories with the doctors, medical supplies...in fact, my blender was a gift from a member of the group.
Yesterday a sweet sweet little girl, whose mommy is a part of this circle of friends, quite suddenly and unexpectedly, went home to Jesus.
I am so sad.
Of course I know that sweet little Jordan is whole now, she has no more limitations. ...But it still hurts.
And most of all, I am reminded once again of just how precious life is. Its, Oh, so easy to take it for granted. To count on tomorrow. To forget that we have no promise of the future. To put off our children in order to attend to the temporal and urgent again and again. ...So my little soap box directed to myself and the rest of the world for today is this, "Take time for those that you love! The moments we are living right now are what count!"
Monday, February 16, 2009
More Ramblings
My days just seem to run together lately...good grief! Has it really been over a week since I last posted anything? Well...I have all these great pictures...but they are still in the camera and so I can't post them and I have been nothing but busy, busy, busy with all that life entails. Its unbelievable how time slips right on by.
Last week we had another excursion to the hospital. We left home at 6am and got back at 5pm. Eleven hours! We saw the speech specialist who was pleased with Mic's general progress and gave helpful, practical tips for how to keep on working. I love appointments that go like that! And after a tooth and nail fight we finally got into the Endocrinologist (sp??? is that right in Eng.?) By the time I knew for sure that they would see us that day and that I hadn't wasted the whole day there in vain I was already tired. Then came a weigh and measure routine that was out of the ordinary and Mic came unglued. By the time we actually got to the doctor I was down right exhausted. This was an evaluation, so all we know for the moment is that she is tiny...oh wait, we already knew that! And that we will have massive blood work done before the next visit and then maybe we will know something new. And while I am dreading Mic's blood draw HORRIBLY I am still SO GLAD its blood and not urine that they want, but...I'll have to tell THAT story another day! : )
Mon. Feb. 9 we ended the second 15 day feeding therapy stint with Mic. I know I haven't really said much about it. ...I am having rough time getting my emotions processed lately in all that entails my baby girl's oral feeding. So...its easier to just try not to go there. ...except, ummmm, I have to deal with it all the time every single day, so there is no escape. Anyway, as soon as I can figure out how to use the graph maker (help Lorioux!!!) I will post her therapy graph for those who are interested in numbers. And we're fine,...really we are. There are some rescueable things happening, even good things. I just need to "deal" with this again and I'm struggling a bit. But even in my despair and struggle I have enough sense to know that "all things (really do) work for the good of those who love Him" and that He'll pull off something great in us just as soon as I can see straight again.
So in the mean time I need to run. We've got a killer week ahead with all kinds of fun and not enough minutes in each day. Tomorrow we see the ENT, and sometime this week my BIL will be swinging through to spend a day or two with us, and we somehow need to get another extra bed in here before that happens, and I need to blend up more BD, and, and, and........ ; )
COMING SOON:
The photo that I wanted to post BEFORE Feb. 14 of the valentine I got from GOD!!!!!!!
Last week we had another excursion to the hospital. We left home at 6am and got back at 5pm. Eleven hours! We saw the speech specialist who was pleased with Mic's general progress and gave helpful, practical tips for how to keep on working. I love appointments that go like that! And after a tooth and nail fight we finally got into the Endocrinologist (sp??? is that right in Eng.?) By the time I knew for sure that they would see us that day and that I hadn't wasted the whole day there in vain I was already tired. Then came a weigh and measure routine that was out of the ordinary and Mic came unglued. By the time we actually got to the doctor I was down right exhausted. This was an evaluation, so all we know for the moment is that she is tiny...oh wait, we already knew that! And that we will have massive blood work done before the next visit and then maybe we will know something new. And while I am dreading Mic's blood draw HORRIBLY I am still SO GLAD its blood and not urine that they want, but...I'll have to tell THAT story another day! : )
Mon. Feb. 9 we ended the second 15 day feeding therapy stint with Mic. I know I haven't really said much about it. ...I am having rough time getting my emotions processed lately in all that entails my baby girl's oral feeding. So...its easier to just try not to go there. ...except, ummmm, I have to deal with it all the time every single day, so there is no escape. Anyway, as soon as I can figure out how to use the graph maker (help Lorioux!!!) I will post her therapy graph for those who are interested in numbers. And we're fine,...really we are. There are some rescueable things happening, even good things. I just need to "deal" with this again and I'm struggling a bit. But even in my despair and struggle I have enough sense to know that "all things (really do) work for the good of those who love Him" and that He'll pull off something great in us just as soon as I can see straight again.
So in the mean time I need to run. We've got a killer week ahead with all kinds of fun and not enough minutes in each day. Tomorrow we see the ENT, and sometime this week my BIL will be swinging through to spend a day or two with us, and we somehow need to get another extra bed in here before that happens, and I need to blend up more BD, and, and, and........ ; )
COMING SOON:
The photo that I wanted to post BEFORE Feb. 14 of the valentine I got from GOD!!!!!!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Why pay for Six Flags???
...when you can spend roughly 70 cents on a public transportation ride. Fly down narrow streets, stop on a dime seconds away from plowing the vehicle ahead, catch air on speed bumps, and barely maintain your fanny on the the seat... Thus was our ride home from the park yesterday in the back of the VW van turned public transportation. What made it fun was that though the ride was a bit crazy our driver wasn't being down right stupid, and everyone else crammed in with us seemed to be in as good as a mood as we were, so instead of the classic swearing and confrontation that often comes with such incidents, there was much good natured laughter as we all tried to keep ourselves and each other from falling off the benches into a heap.
On other matters, today we had another outpatient appointment. Hmmmmm, how can I sum this up simply and quickly...basically we have all the same unanswered questions and no new answers. You know, I get by day by day just taking it one day at a time, trying to let the future--Mic's future, take care of itself. And most of the time that's OK, its the way it is, it is what it is, and really it is how the Lord would recommend that we live. (as opposed to being caught up and destroyed by worry) But when, like today, I sit down and hash it over for an hour with the doctor the reality's and unknowns are pretty hard to ignore and I become thus unsettled. Her growth and lack thereof, oral feeding and lack thereof, inefficient swallow, general development...these are "small" issues when compared to the fact that there are many small children laying on the beds in that hospital losing their battle for life. But none-the-less these are the unknowns that try to consume me...especially on a day like today.
The good...its almost bedtime! Soon we can go to sleep and tomorrow we can get back to "normal".
On other matters, today we had another outpatient appointment. Hmmmmm, how can I sum this up simply and quickly...basically we have all the same unanswered questions and no new answers. You know, I get by day by day just taking it one day at a time, trying to let the future--Mic's future, take care of itself. And most of the time that's OK, its the way it is, it is what it is, and really it is how the Lord would recommend that we live. (as opposed to being caught up and destroyed by worry) But when, like today, I sit down and hash it over for an hour with the doctor the reality's and unknowns are pretty hard to ignore and I become thus unsettled. Her growth and lack thereof, oral feeding and lack thereof, inefficient swallow, general development...these are "small" issues when compared to the fact that there are many small children laying on the beds in that hospital losing their battle for life. But none-the-less these are the unknowns that try to consume me...especially on a day like today.
The good...its almost bedtime! Soon we can go to sleep and tomorrow we can get back to "normal".
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Bittersweet
Sometimes I stop and remember...things about Mic's development...and how her little brother compares. Sometimes I stand still and just watch him doing what he does without thought or effort. It is beautiful. And sometimes...it hurts just a little...in a very odd sort of way.
Recently I noticed him crawl over a bump in the floor between the living room and and bathroom. He wanted to get to me and could care less that he had to go over a little step to do it. And I was transported back to the physical therapy days at Salem Rehab. The hours and agony. Wondering if she would ever be able to crawl over an obstical...any obstical, no matter how small. And guess what! She did...eventually...in her own time.
I watch him shoving food in his mouth so mindlessly, effortlessly. I worry he isn't eating enough even though I know that he is. And he doesnt think twice about chewing or swallowing. And I am dying to see her do the same thing.
And I have faith. I really do. I know it will happen...someday...
And I love each of them individually for who they are......but even so, sometimes it hurts...just a little.
Recently I noticed him crawl over a bump in the floor between the living room and and bathroom. He wanted to get to me and could care less that he had to go over a little step to do it. And I was transported back to the physical therapy days at Salem Rehab. The hours and agony. Wondering if she would ever be able to crawl over an obstical...any obstical, no matter how small. And guess what! She did...eventually...in her own time.
I watch him shoving food in his mouth so mindlessly, effortlessly. I worry he isn't eating enough even though I know that he is. And he doesnt think twice about chewing or swallowing. And I am dying to see her do the same thing.
And I have faith. I really do. I know it will happen...someday...
And I love each of them individually for who they are......but even so, sometimes it hurts...just a little.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Giving Thanks
HAPPY THANKSGIVING !
Mic is especially thankful for cousins, aunts, uncles, new friends and most of all, GRANDMA! She has had so much fun on this trip playing and interacting with the many people that are so dear to us. I have a fun collection of "cousin pictures" so I decided to share a little sampling with you above.
"Thanks be unto God for His unspeakable gift." 2 Cor. 9:15 (KJV)
"Unspeakable" caught my eye and left me pondering. ...Of course, first and foremost is the salvation of my soul. And the peace that comes with it in these uncertain times. Thank you, Father.
Another tale to tell, while we are talking about thankfulness... we are thankful that Mom's house is still standing--we had a real scare the other day! The fire in the wood stove caught the creosote in the chimney on fire. The chimney was bright red hot, smoke was pouring, the house alarms were going, some sparks flew in the attic. Oh my! My adrenaline was high! I was running from the stove to the attic hole to the ladder up to the roof shrieking, "do I call 911 or not!?!". Just when hubby would say, "yes, call", my bro. would say "just wait, I think we got it". Then bro. would say, "maybe we should call" and hubby would say, "hang on, I think it will be OK". Well in the end we emptied the fire extinguisher, dumped water down the chimney too...and we didn't have to call 911. It did take me about 4 hours to get the knots in my tummy untied. ...Its very nice to be able to laugh about it now!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Past is history, Tomorrow is mystery...what will we do with today?
We've been on the go a lot in the last week. We spent about four of those days up at my sisters house and had a marvelous time with her and her family. Two highlights were late night Settlers of Catan games and seeing the cousins warm up to each other and really start having a hay day. While in that area we also took some time to visit some old haunts of ours like where we did VS for two years and visiting some of the members of Mic's medical team from that time. That her doctors and nurses have an on going personal interest in how Mic is doing even though she is no longer on their paying client list says volumes for them...and we love them so much for it! Oh, and as you can see in the pictures above, uncle M gives haircuts, so we took advantage of that and got baby D's first "official" trim. He behaved very nicely! An interesting observation on culture I have been mulling over a bit is that speaking in vast generalizations, everyone is very busy doing their own life...to the point that in day to day living they often, without meaning to, do not stop and take time for those near and dear to them...knowing that "there is always tomorrow". However, when one comes from far off and will only be around a short while there is an overwhelming tendency to drop everything and do whatever possible to get some good quality time together. ...in no way am I criticizing anyone, except perhaps myself. I am just noticing a human tendency and contrasting it with God's Word which teaches us we have "no promise of tomorrow". As I return back to my own day to day flurry how could I better arrange my priorities to give proper place for the important instead of forever attending the "urgent"? I'm not sure...but I know I need to work on it.
Oral feeding is going well, as we got completely past her illness the numbers worked their way back up almost to what they had previously been. When visiting over a meal we are less diligent in giving Mic 100% of our undivided attention and that always does make a difference in that particular meal's success, but in general she is eating at least 300 oral cal. a day often more, sometimes a little less. We will just keep plugging away at it, and I have faith that over time the number is going to grow. In the meantime we, of course supplement the rest of her calorie needs with the blenderized diet through her tube. This is a marathon, not a sprint, and at the moment, in that perspective, spirits are hopeful and high.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)